Search This Blog

Sunday, May 31, 2015

San Andreas: The Most Awesome (Expletive Deleted) Movie Review Ever!

Not one side of the same coin as that other disaster movie 2012, its not even the same currency, Jack!

(This Review Contains Spoilers)

This movie succeeded where 2012 failed repeatedly in exactly three years.

The Dark Knight Music Returns
When you see the Warner Brothers Logo appear you are first pulled into this world by the music. Which from the second it starts immediately sounds familiar. I could have sworn Christian Bale was going to come out of nowhere and start yelling "Where Is She!?" The horns, gave away a Dark Knight vibe, Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard need to get royalties from Andrew Lockington for that opening score rip off. It was too obvious. But I have to admit it fit perfectly in a disaster movie. When all hell's breaking loose I guess its possible the Joker is up to it. 

Driving While Sending The Audience Obvious Messages
It's hilarious that in the beginning you have Morgan Griffin playing the first victim of the earthquake by showing us how she hates being alive so much that she'll drive on a narrow road built high into a mountain side, texting while driving, reaching for water on the floor of the passenger side, and almost
hitting an oncoming car. Oh, she wasn't wearing her seat belt either. Natalie (Griffin) was able to avoid all of these things that can get you killed while driving to be knocked off mountain by the first hit of the earthquake, fall over, flip about fifty million times and not die because a branch caught your smart care and you get to dangle on the edge till The Rock comes to rescue you with his team of bad-asses, while doing a documentary no less. The part where The Rock express superhuman abilities may or may not be out of touch. I don't believe The Rock could pull a door off a car but if it don't take you out of the movie then nothing will. 

The ID4 Moment
I love those moments when everyone in the world are dumb and the only person who can figure out what is really  going on is either Jeff Goldblum or Paul Giamatti in this case. Having him talk about great earthquakes in recorded history was another obvious set up that the nerd in the movie would be fighting off Earthquakes side by side with The Rock. But that never happened. I really loved the way his character was utilized. He gave a lot of motion to the film. The feeling that "This Is Not Just a Movie". I think if this were to really happen to California, Giamatti is the man to break to new. I didn't care much for the scene where his colleague, Dr. Kim Chung, played by Will Yun Lee died "Man of Steel" style, telling Giamatti in so many words, not to save him the way Clarks dad did. This time a little girl was saved by this kind stranger then when her mother comes to retrieve her and not as much as a "Thank You" were you pissed as I was? That was an ungrateful mother who I believe left her daughter to die.

The Only The Rock Cant Do Is Make A White Baby
During the Attitude era of the WWE The Rock once said this and it killed. Since Dwayne started getting more gigs, its been clear that his characters were always envisioned as Caucasian but The Rock is perfect for the role so we'll pretend its not possible that any of his children would have a tan or God forbid curly hair. When you see that Johnson is estranged from his wife and in the middle of a divorce. His ex, Carla Gugino sends so many signals for the Rock to try to fight for her, even in the house owned by the new boyfriend, Ioan Gruffudd but the Rock stubbornly resist all the signs and focuses on moving the plot along.

From Mr. Fantastic to Sterotypical Jerk Boyfriend In Record Time
Ioan Gruffudd played a nice guy who just happened to be rich. That's usually the standard counter when the old boyfriend/husband is huge and intimidating physically. It seems that Hollywood thinks the only way to put a superior person in their place is by belittleing them by how much money they have or have not. But from the opening he was an OK guy. I was surprised because I assumed he'd be a jerk from the very first moment. Also typical. But he maintained a good guy quality throughout. Even when trouble came he did his best to do the right thing. When the moment came that the disaster was something more than just a typical earthquake his character quickly stripped away of any power that his money can provide and he regresses into survival mode. 

At this point of the movie leaving behind your girlfriend's daughter to die looks like a jerk move. But in that situation when you think all is lost any one of us would have just fled the scene if there's no real family ties to another human being. The right thing to do is to do all that you can but even then I still could not blame him from running out of pure fear. Then the movie continued and he totally goes into pure A-hole mode and starts killing people to stay alive. Again you can chalk this up to survival of the fittest but after a while even I couldn't make any more excuses for this dude. I'm glad he got what he had coming to him. In the above picture.  That's him on the left. Guess what happens next.

Recalling The Racial Quiet Rioters
what I found very interesting was the fact that when we're at our worst we find time to try to steal. I love the fact that the director tried his best to only test Caucasian looters when we all know that all people and all of all backgrounds races and religions will still during the times of disasters. This reminded me  of the times during Hurricane Katrina when the media would show footage of white people taking things from stores and calling it findings and when they showed black people taking things from stores it was called stealing. I love this scene of crazy white people finding 50 inch screen TVs in finding Dodge trucks hand The Rock being the only minority that had to steal something to survive.

Because We Like When Everything Shakes
I have to take a moment to notice how much it's obvious that Alexandra Daddario and Carla Gugino are two of the most beautiful women in the world but the director obviously loves to have them running and having their breasts bounce around in almost every scene that they were in all while maintaining perfect salon quality hair.

Follow Me To Action
I found it very humorous that in the midst of all the chaos people will blindly listen to the guys in the crowd. I mean she obviously knows, and how to stay alive I mean look at him. Even his ex wife followed him out an airplane with only one para-shoot between the two of them. I have to admit that I'll never jump out of an airplane unless it was in the warm embrace of Dwayne Johnson's arms.

The Most Epic Water Ride Ever!
I don't care who you are, the scene with the boats all trying to get over the tidal wave before it crest was tense and I loved how everyone who had a boat all had the same goal in mind. I also love the fact that, not every made it. You're either on The Rock's boat or your going to die seems to be the message. The underlining message was also, "If you're not The Rock's daughter you'll die faster". While daughter Blake lugged around her love interest and his little brother played by Hugo Johnstone-Burt as Ben & Art Parkinson as Ollie. The "Two Brothers who saved me" as Blake put it in an emergency call to her parents. Was I the only one thinking how that would have been interpreted when she delivered that line? Probably, my mind always goes to awkward race stuff.

Too Convenient Till It Spelled DOOM
One of the umpteenth moments where it felt like "We're finally safe" then the very next moment was "Holy Crap!" The best was when Blake and the Brothers made it to her mothers boyfriends under construction tower as the tidal wave was coming inland. How she knew the exact floor to stop at instead of just going as high as possible but still managing to pick the last safest floor where the water wouldn't kill them, is beyond me. Then she had to say the scariest line disaster movie history. "This building is sinking!". I mean, What The H. E. double hockey sticks batman? Good thing Ben got that kiss out the way in the middle of the movie instead of the cliche moment at the very end till we roll credits or go off to fight General Zod. . .oops wrong movie.

Blakes Going To Die, Isn't She?
Said brilliantly by little Punky Brewster impersonator, Ollie. He gives the best cheesy lines like, "My San Andres guide book has everything". You mean to tell me this kid reads traditional map to the starts books and doesn't know what a landline is? This moment of the movie where Blake was seen in the trailer drowning was intense. My movie critic Jedi Master "John Campea" talks about Man Tears for movies like Best of The Best. But I had to shed some for this seen. Having a hero, Johnson, loose a daughter in flash back scenes, by drowning made the character struggle, but the idea that he'll loose two daughters the exact same way and see their faces as they died was just cruel. As a father it got me. Dude Tears bro.

911 Undertones
So who thought it was obvious that the American flag waving above the disaster right after Dwayne Johnson delivers the final clique catch phrase of the film "Now We Rebuild" was probably CGI?

My Take From The Film
I liked it. Its not going to win any best male or female anything at the Oscars, but for me, it fired on all four cylinders. This movie promised The Rock was going to face off with an earthquake and it did. Yes there were a ton of cheesy one liners but they were freaking awesome. It felt like there was a garage sale of awesome one liners and every actor in this movie had about twenty bucks to spend that day. This was the kind of movie that anyone could fall into. Just check your Shakespearean snooty criticisms at the door and enjoy the popcorn bro.

Go See It. . .You're Welcome!